I am passionate about ensuring that someone who feels like something is not possible knows that it is possible.
I find that people do not share the negative things they are PRESENTLY going through in church. I only hear of the good things which is great, but I’m sure He is still God even when the bad is happening, and, I am here to tell you of the bad things I am going through. First, I acknowledge that I do not belong to myself; so to all those that are like I would never air my dirty linen in public, I say, even if I put my dirty linen in the house, it’s still dirty. Second, I acknowledge that I may die a second, or five minutes from now ..or today, and I would love that I use this chance to say this to you. Third, i thank God for the opportunity to share and the experiences he gives me, this included.
I go to church, I came to church two years ago. In church, my mind tells me that it is where I am supposed to get comfort, I am supposed to get security and happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I have found a lot in church, I have met people I consider friends, I have praised God here, I have sang to Him here and it feels great; I have found a house of prayer.. However., God is teaching me that I can never find happiness in ANYTHING but him. I wrote a piece a while back about the church, that it is not a building, I also asked the question…would you still have your faith if everyone in this room disappeared and you were left alone in the world? would you still believe in God? I am learning that it is a blessing to have people to call friends and family in your life, but in my journey, God is peeling them away from me; virtually. He is doing this to ensure that I only depend on him and nobody else or anything else. It is tough, but it is what it is – to me, He is God and He can do whatever He wants with me. I often pray “help me to be who you created me to be” and I still pray that by the time I die, I shall be who I was created to be; I shall have accomplished my mission here on earth.
I grew up with friends and family asking and telling me things like; “the world doesn’t revolve around you’ and ‘what have you become’ ‘what kind of person are you’. I grew up doubting my essence, who I am. I would love to make this fairy tale juicy and tell you that I am totally okay now but I still have doubts. When something is hammered in our head for that long; you start believing that you are truly a nobody, that you are a mistake; that everything you do will end up in the gutter.
One day one of them told me ‘do you know what people say about you?’ and my heart sank. I wondered, ‘why would someone talk ill of me behind my back and smile at me the next day like nothing ever happened? You see, I hate feigning, faking affection. If I don’t connect with you, you will tell because I wouldn’t know what to talk about with you, so it’ll be a hi and a bit of a chat and that’s it. If we connect that’s it, I’m the loudest most annoying person you now coz I love being silly and open with those that will accept me for me. The next thing I heard just tore me apart. I was told that ‘if many people are saying that about you; you must have a problem that you need to fix’. I didn’t even know what problem she was talking about; all I knew was that I felt like a problem I needed to get rid of because I was giving everyone so much grief.
Inside me, I honestly could not find anything wrong with my self. I did not understand what I was being told; I was totally okay with the person I was; but these voices tried to show me and tell me there was something wrong with me – that I had a problem – all I heard was that I was a problem. If you have watched EQUALS, a movie acted by Christen Stewart, you get it.
The more I tried to “fix” myself, the more I felt lost, the more I felt like I was not getting it right like everyone wanted or like everyone seemed to – have it all figured out and have it all together. To be honest with you, I felt like I never was meant to be on earth and that I couldn’t be ‘normal’.
As time passed, as I grew in years and found God. It wasn’t until this time that I leant that, I am not a mistake; who I am is not by chance – it’s on purpose. Who I am is not going to make everyone happy – that is not what I was created to do. Who I am is not acceptable to everyone, it never will be. I have made peace that I do not fit in no matter how much I try. But it hurts every time when the people I expect to get that do not.
I love feeling accepted, like I belong – I have learnt that it is human nature, because we are relational beings just like God – but It is always short lived (the acceptance from people), something always happens and the people around me I feel tell me, sometimes without even saying it; ‘ no.be like us, be like me; why are you trying to be what everyone else isn’t? do you think you’re special?
I have found the answer within me. The greatest battles and wars are not in the world, they are not external, they are within us – within me and within you. God reminds me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that he knew me before I was conceived. That gives me peace – knowing that I never created myself. Maybe if I did, I would have something to apologize for. Look around; do you see that blue sky, those amazing white or grey clouds, have you seen the spectacular stars in the sky at night? the moon in all its shapes; .the trees and flowers? those Amazing animals on land and the ocean? The person that created all that; he created me and you. And he thought I was more spectacular and way more important than those things around me – he thought the same about you.
I have to work on my health daily. That means my body, my mental health and my spiritual health and by that; I know that I am alive and living. For a long time, I just existed. I was dead on the inside; I struggled to understand that I am special. I struggled to fit in and become like everyone else; I still have that battle to fight once in a while like now. Being free from defining myself as one thing has liberated me. It has given me the strength to understand that I will never be anyone else but me and that there is nothing wrong with that – I CAN BE ANYTHING – Especially with the freedom God gives, because he gives you peace that surpasses human understanding; and I have had it for these two years and counting no matter what I go through. If there is something that needs fixing, it shall be fixed in time.
Am I saying I’m perfect? no, far from it. But I love my imperfections. I love my me. I love my world and I thank God for giving me all of you as part of it. Unfortunately, the only eyes I can see the world through is mine. I have my own reality, you have your own reality. No matter how much I want to; I cannot in totality grasp or fully understand everything you are or are going through – I cannot see the world the way you see the world. Only you and your creator can, and he said let us make man in our own image. You have Gods breath in you. You have his spirit in you also; how cool is that? the world’s architect lives in you and he loves you more than anything he ever created. He even died for you; just like guys do for their love in the movies, only this time, he for real for real died for you. like..for real.. try watching Gods not dead 2 or the case for Christ if you don’t believe it yet..its okay to have doubts, God knows you do and he will address them totally, just ask him.
So yes Rose, what’s the point for all this? Well, I believe my pain should be someone’s gift. Just like my grandads death was a gift for me to open my eyes to the fact that this life of mine; it’s just a matter of seconds and minutes before I leave – and I want to be everything I was meant to be before I vamoose – I want to make my original dad proud of me and I believe part of that is this message and the knowledge I have gained instead of hoarding it to myself. So, you who can relate, you who has or is going through the same thing I am, I’m here to remind you – Never let anyone make you feel unimportant. Never let anyone make you feel like you should be like anyone else but your self. Let nobody ever make you feel like you should silence your essence. You have a purpose. Without you, the world would be chaotic the world would not be as it is. The world needs you to be you. You are special – show it let her out; let him out.
And I think is should say that it includes in the church. I know theres not much teaching about self awareness and self acceptance but we all need you to be who you are meant to be to be who we are meant to be. We need you and you do not have to be like me or anyone else you have seen up here, there is something that you are meant to do here or out there using what you learn in your life. I come to church because I know that for a reason, it was very important to Jesus he even referred to it as his bride. and if it’s important to the man that died for me, the person that gave me life, it is important to me. The other reason is that it is really fulfilling to speak about someone you are so interested in and listen to what He is also doing in other peoples lives, it is a magical feeling and experience – it’s called fellowship – loving other people- and that should never exclude everyone else that doesn’t go to church, church with them too. Just by speaking about the savior Jesus. Many people are in a cage, looking for someone to tell them about how they can let go of the weight they are carrying, how they can live without that gaping hole in their heart, how they can stop feeling empty, how they can live a fulfilled life. It’s all in Jesus – church is only the pot – the container, but all the sunlight and ability to grow, the air, it’s all Jesus.
So, be you. and God bless you all. Thank you.