WHAT I WANT TO SAY

I am passionate about ensuring that someone who feels like something is not possible knows that it is possible.
I find that people do not share the negative things they are PRESENTLY going through in church. I only hear of the good things which is great, but I’m sure He is still God even when the bad is happening, and, I am here to tell you of the bad things I am going through. First, I acknowledge that I do not belong to myself; so to all those that are like I would never air my dirty linen in public, I say, even if I put my dirty linen in the house, it’s still dirty. Second, I acknowledge that I may die a second, or five minutes from now ..or today, and I would love that I use this chance to say this to you. Third, i thank God for the opportunity to share and the experiences he gives me, this included.
I go to church, I came to church two years ago. In church, my mind tells me that it is where I am supposed to get comfort, I am supposed to get security and happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I have found a lot in church, I have met people I consider friends, I have praised God here, I have sang to Him here and it feels great; I have found a house of prayer.. However., God is teaching me that I can never find happiness in ANYTHING but him. I wrote a piece a while back about the church, that it is not a building, I also asked the question…would you still have your faith if everyone in this room disappeared and you were left alone in the world? would you still believe in God? I am learning that it is a blessing to have people to call friends and family in your life, but in my journey, God is peeling them away from me; virtually. He is doing this to ensure that I only depend on him and nobody else or anything else. It is tough, but it is what it is – to me, He is God and He can do whatever He wants with me. I often pray “help me to be who you created me to be” and I still pray that by the time I die, I shall be who I was created to be; I shall have accomplished my mission here on earth.
I grew up with friends and family asking and telling me things like; “the world doesn’t revolve around you’ and ‘what have you become’ ‘what kind of person are you’. I grew up doubting my essence, who I am. I would love to make this fairy tale juicy and tell you that I am totally okay now but I still have doubts. When something is hammered in our head for that long; you start believing that you are truly a nobody, that you are a mistake; that everything you do will end up in the gutter.
One day one of them told me ‘do you know what people say about you?’ and my heart sank. I wondered, ‘why would someone talk ill of me behind my back and smile at me the next day like nothing ever happened? You see, I hate feigning, faking affection. If I don’t connect with you, you will tell because I wouldn’t know what to talk about with you, so it’ll be a hi and a bit of a chat and that’s it. If we connect that’s it, I’m the loudest most annoying person you now coz I love being silly and open with those that will accept me for me. The next thing I heard just tore me apart. I was told that ‘if many people are saying that about you; you must have a problem that you need to fix’. I didn’t even know what problem she was talking about; all I knew was that I felt like a problem I needed to get rid of because I was giving everyone so much grief.
Inside me, I honestly could not find anything wrong with my self. I did not understand what I was being told; I was totally okay with the person I was; but these voices tried to show me and tell me there was something wrong with me – that I had a problem – all I heard was that I was a problem. If you have watched EQUALS, a movie acted by Christen Stewart, you get it.
The more I tried to “fix” myself, the more I felt lost, the more I felt like I was not getting it right like everyone wanted or like everyone seemed to – have it all figured out and have it all together. To be honest with you, I felt like I never was meant to be on earth and that I couldn’t be ‘normal’.
As time passed, as I grew in years and found God. It wasn’t until this time that I leant that, I am not a mistake; who I am is not by chance – it’s on purpose. Who I am is not going to make everyone happy – that is not what I was created to do. Who I am is not acceptable to everyone, it never will be. I have made peace that I do not fit in no matter how much I try. But it hurts every time when the people I expect to get that do not.

I love feeling accepted, like I belong – I have learnt that it is human nature, because we are relational beings just like God – but It is always short lived (the acceptance from people), something always happens and the people around me I feel tell me, sometimes without even saying it; ‘ no.be like us, be like me; why are you trying to be what everyone else isn’t? do you think you’re special?
I have found the answer within me. The greatest battles and wars are not in the world, they are not external, they are within us – within me and within you. God reminds me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that he knew me before I was conceived. That gives me peace – knowing that I never created myself. Maybe if I did, I would have something to apologize for. Look around; do you see that blue sky, those amazing white or grey clouds, have you seen the spectacular stars in the sky at night? the moon in all its shapes; .the trees and flowers? those Amazing animals on land and the ocean? The person that created all that; he created me and you. And he thought I was more spectacular and way more important than those things around me – he thought the same about you.
I have to work on my health daily. That means my body, my mental health and my spiritual health and by that; I know that I am alive and living. For a long time, I just existed. I was dead on the inside; I struggled to understand that I am special. I struggled to fit in and become like everyone else; I still have that battle to fight once in a while like now. Being free from defining myself as one thing has liberated me. It has given me the strength to understand that I will never be anyone else but me and that there is nothing wrong with that – I CAN BE ANYTHING – Especially with the freedom God gives, because he gives you peace that surpasses human understanding; and I have had it for these two years and counting no matter what I go through. If there is something that needs fixing, it shall be fixed in time.
Am I saying I’m perfect? no, far from it. But I love my imperfections. I love my me. I love my world and I thank God for giving me all of you as part of it. Unfortunately, the only eyes I can see the world through is mine. I have my own reality, you have your own reality. No matter how much I want to; I cannot in totality grasp or fully understand everything you are or are going through – I cannot see the world the way you see the world. Only you and your creator can, and he said let us make man in our own image. You have Gods breath in you. You have his spirit in you also; how cool is that? the world’s architect lives in you and he loves you more than anything he ever created. He even died for you; just like guys do for their love in the movies, only this time, he for real for real died for you. like..for real.. try watching Gods not dead 2 or the case for Christ if you don’t believe it yet..its okay to have doubts, God knows you do and he will address them totally, just ask him.

So yes Rose, what’s the point for all this? Well, I believe my pain should be someone’s gift. Just like my grandads death was a gift for me to open my eyes to the fact that this life of mine; it’s just a matter of seconds and minutes before I leave – and I want to be everything I was meant to be before I vamoose – I want to make my original dad proud of me and I believe part of that is this message and the knowledge I have gained instead of hoarding it to myself. So, you who can relate, you who has or is going through the same thing I am, I’m here to remind you – Never let anyone make you feel unimportant. Never let anyone make you feel like you should be like anyone else but your self. Let nobody ever make you feel like you should silence your essence. You have a purpose. Without you, the world would be chaotic the world would not be as it is. The world needs you to be you. You are special – show it let her out; let him out.
And I think is should say that it includes in the church. I know theres not much teaching about self awareness and self acceptance but we all need you to be who you are meant to be to be who we are meant to be. We need you and you do not have to be like me or anyone else you have seen up here, there is something that you are meant to do here or out there using what you learn in your life. I come to church because I know that for a reason, it was very important to Jesus he even referred to it as his bride. and if it’s important to the man that died for me, the person that gave me life, it is important to me. The other reason is that it is really fulfilling to speak about someone you are so interested in and listen to what He is also doing in other peoples lives, it is a magical feeling and experience – it’s called fellowship – loving other people- and that should never exclude everyone else that doesn’t go to church, church with them too. Just by speaking about the savior Jesus. Many people are in a cage, looking for someone to tell them about how they can let go of the weight they are carrying, how they can live without that gaping hole in their heart, how they can stop feeling empty, how they can live a fulfilled life. It’s all in Jesus – church is only the pot – the container, but all the sunlight and ability to grow, the air, it’s all Jesus.
So, be you. and God bless you all. Thank you.

 

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LEARNING TO LOVE GOD IN THE RAIN

Learning to love God even when there are grey clouds heavy with rain; when the clouds are dull when the air is cold when the heavens roar

Learning to love amidst the biting freeze amidst the lone walk, amidst the moments of despair and discouragement

Laughing…okay..smiling at the dark clouds above you because you know your maker made you greater than them..he made you greater than everything

The beauty of everything is that the storm, the thunder, the rain, the cold, the loneliness; its not the reason why you live.its not your being

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Having in mind that your maker owns everything around you and will do all in his power to make sure you are perfected for his great purpose

Doesn’t it feel like a war? Have you asked a warrior what his pride is? What his joy and pride of accomplishment is? it is to fight for what he believes in; that his life is a sacrifice. His purpose is to give his life. To save.

That is how i feel.like i see the clouds above me heavy with rain and i see them gather around me cold. But i know who my maker is and those clouds know who their maker is.he is above the clouds within the clouds around me and within me.

I will withstand the storm to fulfill my purpose for i am a warrior for Christ ❤

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Its always so easy to love God when its bright and sunny in your life.When everything is going great and you feel so blessed and happy.When you get that job you prayed for and when you get that boyfriend you’ve wanted..but sometimes its not that sunny in your life.its dull and gloomy and all you see are the grey clouds above you..no sign of sunshine on sight..all you know is that it might rain any time and you dread the rain..

What about those times when you aren’t getting what you want.do you still love God..is he still your provider at that time..is he still the amazing father you felt he was in the sun as you danced.Its important to keep the memories of your moments in the sun so that you can always remember how amazing he is.We may not always get our way at our time..but what you should always have in mind is that God never changes..the weather in your life will definitely change it makes your life spicy and less monotonous and you may not see it now but those cloudy or rainy days will make you dance harder in the sun when it rises the next day or the next two days or the next month or year.

Be assured – the weather will get better that’s a guarantee.

Loving God when the good and bad happen in our lives is part of Love. We shouldn’t love Him just because only good things are happening; that’s using Him not loving Him.

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For The Millenial Who Feels That They’re Falling Behind Their Peers

Don’t forget, we are all looking to be our best but our best is different from the rest.

Black ▪ Girl ▪ Provoked

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It’s Monday, I’m running late for work and I’m getting distracted by another bright yellow Afro on the bus. I sit on the fence, and then I bottle up my desire to tap on his shoulderto wander away about purple shampoo some DIY methods that might cancel out the orange tones in his hair to reveal a swankier blonde.
The bus-ride is long enough that it offers me, before I fall asleep, a decent interval to calculate my next pay-check if I am to call in sick tomorrow, and a moment to decide on whether getting matching holographic nails with my friend next week is necessarily for me. I open my eyes momentarily and an orthodox Egyptian man takes this moment to complain about ISIS. I listen, and then I chime in, and then the automatic female voice announces that my stop has arrived.

Look away from social Media

It’s…

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BEFORE I SLEEP..here’s a letter

When i look down below..i see buildings dust and greens..but when i look above i see space love blue and white

As i look outside i see congestion and limitations but when i look above i see opportunities freedom and peace

When i look around i see walls and defined paths but when i look above i see unending eternal unbound ways i can fly and swirl

The roads have potholes vehicles may breakdown there may be disagreements on the streets and pictures of cruelty on my timeline but when i look above i see and feel nothing but happiness fulfillment contentment and eternal glory in your name.❤ i love you God.so much and i thank you for hope.even for this world you have given me to enjoy and this breath you put in me.its the most beautiful thing ever and i believe in you that you are my home that you are my king that you are my happiness and joy and i would never want it any other way because everything you are is perfect for you are love.

So many questions in my head but i know you will answer one day.

Please give me the privilege of being your warrior..an angel warrior to fight for you.i long to be an angel so strong and fearless for you.i long to have an immortal powerful body to defend your kingdom to protect your people to make them understand how great you are..to take care of what you care about the most..our hearts.

Father,when i come to heaven, will i sit or will i sing eternity to you and praise your name..will i ask as many questions..will i doubt you..will i doubt my doubt myself..will i love you..will i obey you always..i hope i will love you as much i hope that you will work in me to look for you to be my God.the one i seek everyday of my immortal life.will i have an amazing body and wings to fly all over..will i see the colours that you created..will i hear your voice father..will i crave you as much as i do now..will i be your daughter always and forever? What will you have me do in heaven..will i be a teacher..will i be a guard..will i just oversee other guards..will i be in charge of something..i really want to do stuff for you i want to run errands but mostly i want to sit before you and listen to you..your stories i know you have so much.

And jesus..i miss you so much.i want to talk to you again..i want to spend more time with you but i get how busy you are bringing people to Gods kingdom..everytime you visit i feel so happy.i am so happy to see you smile at me .how happy you are with me. Spend more time with me..tell me what you want from me..tell me how i should go about what bothers me.thank you for being my friend and thank you for allowing me to be myself around you and for you.i thank you for all that you have invoked in me to be.thank you for your visits.i hope i get to visit your home town although i know what means most to you is your home in the heavens and getting as many people to your kingdom..i pray that you accomplish all you want to and i shall pray for the people in the world that do not know you yet because you’re the moat awesome person i have ever met.thanks.i love you and i wish i could hug you.

Holyspirit..i thank You for all you have helped me to do to prepare myself for heaven..like a bride who is about to meet her husband at the altar..like either who was prepared for the king you prepare me for my king..God.you prepare me for the kingdom of heaven and you protect me from the evils in the world..because you know me all too well and you know the world all too well and that is why you speak to me when you need me to walk away walk out or speak out.i thank you for being in me everyday and i pray that you may continue to be manifest in my heart body and soul..mould me each day for my day in heaven when i shall meet the king of my heart and world.the ultimate place where my soul and heart belongs.thank you.

And to the angels and any spiritual being in my life sent by my father to watch over me..i love and thank you all.i love you so much you have no idea..i want to be like you when i become a spiritual being..to look after people.you must have such patience because i know i can be a piece of work..i know you have had that forehead smack emoji so many times because of my decisions.i love you for bearing with my self and not giving up on me.thank you.HUGS!thanks for being my friends..friends that i cant see yet..

Can Our “Motives” Delay God’s Blessings?

Don’t rush…read this.

GodlyDating101

“Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” (Psalms‬ ‭37:4‬)


Sometimes, understanding God can be a bit difficult. Jesus promises us that whatever “we ask for in His name, He will do it” (John 14:14). However, He doesn’t always answer when we want Him to or exactly how we expect Him to. Does that mean God is lying? No. Sometimes some things we ask for just aren’t the will of God for our lives, that’s why when Jesus was praying to the Father, He said “not my will by Yours” (Luke 22:42). Even if it is God’s will for our lives, that doesn’t mean that it was His timing.


You see, when the Bible says that if we delight in God and He will give the desires of our heart, that didn’t make Him a genie. Many people try to use that…

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Aside

here we go…again. :-)

This blog is dedicated to God, our father in heaven. He looks down upon us and protects us. His grace is immeasurable and his mercy has no magnitude.

He gave us His only son, so that we may be forgiven by His blood. We thank Him for the cross, for that sacrifice He made, left an amazing place that no eye has seen and no ear has heard about. A place we cannot imagine so that He could come to earth to die for our sins. Meaning he ran to His earthly death so that we could be saved, so that we may have hope. He really means that He can die for us, and He did exactly that. If that’s not real love I do not know what is. He carried that cross to Calvary, fell three times and he still stood up every time  and moved on, bearing that heavy cross just for us. He did not have to but He did.  This just makes me wonder of how special we are to God in heaven, how much He treasures us but we do not see it.

I compare this to a relationship, you see this guy and you like him so much, you do all that you can to get his attention and he never ever notices you, how does that make you feel? Okay, for those girls who have given up on guys, which I will talk about too, let’s use an example of your mom. You do so much to show her you value and love her, but she ignores it all the time, says she’s busy working or watching something,. That rejection hurts, I can only imagine what God feels when we reject Him after sacrificing so much for us, even His own son. He gave us His best.

Jesus would have given up, said, I can’t do this and walked away, or be whisked away in heaven by the angels, but He did not. He looked into the eyes of the women who cried, felt the pain of the whips cutting through His skin and blood dripping on His forehead and He knew that it was worth it. All the pain, the entire struggle, and all that weight He carried  would save nations from eternal  fire. It would bring multitudes to the Father.

I always wish that I was born in those times, when there was no electricity. When all we did was talk bake laugh share memories and learn. Those times when being a believer was not such a –mouth wide open what are you talking about where were you born- kind of moment expressed when you said that you are born again and that you believe in God and His son Jesus Christ.

I chose to blog about God, life, love and how all these reflect on a girl’s life because I know I can relate most with someone somewhere who feels like there is no chance. John the Baptist said that there is nothing new under the sun right? So what I went through is no different from someone else somewhere.  I chose to blog about Christianity and the journey through my life, the bad and the good. I chose to blog about moments that I wished I was dead and moments I knew I deserved to be off the face of the earth. Sounds like depression huh..Yes, rock bottom moments of my life as a teen ager.

You know…life is a really interesting event. We think it’s long but it’s just a matter of time, a very short time. Do you know that there is a building  in the streets of Nairobi that has been there more than a hundred years. A tree that has grown thousands of years. This means, my ancestors were here and left it there. That shows you how short human life is. And we all should ensure that we use it to the maximum. We should live to live again.

Life should not be as meaningless. Today, I was in the mat  going home after a whole day of studying. Let me rewind, I woke up today and it was so cold and rainy. I decided to sleep off but I heard my mum call a cab telling the person on the other end that they should get her at 7.45am, that was about thirty minutes to. I thought, I should make it to school early and study, I was avoiding the rain because, you know us girls and the rain, the hair will get messed up, we want to look good ALL the time. So I jumped out of bed like I just had an electric shock and showered so fast and picked some jeans a t-shirt and a tuxedo coat, you know they do wonders for the outfit. So I picked some heels and before mum could go I said I’d go with her.

I am learning to live in the moment, I don’t know if it makes sense but, I have realized that I have fewer memories because I always think of stuff I have to take care of, something that happened a few years ago, what I have to do thirty minutes to come. I hope you get it now, I never live in the moment, I always think of the past or the future and when I think of the present I always think of how it will affect the future. Complex! So I decided that I would live in the present, because when I look at my past, it’s not written. Why, because  during that past I was thinking of the present which was the future at that time.

So I got to school, at about eight thirty, and since that time, I studied. I had an exam. I ate lunch alone, I hate eating alone, just because I had to study for the good grades I want. My classmates nowhere to be found because we were all studying for this big exam. I am always a last minute person. It’s not a good thing. I always try. It’s a habit to break out of. So when the exam time neared I was so tense and my classmates told me this topic will be tested and that topic will be tested and all this confused me because when I study, what I have read is what I know and when I let the slightest thought that I don’t know, my head jumbles up and I feel like I’m just blank.. After a whole day of study, I feel blank.. After eating lunch alone I feel blank? Really?

I recollected myself, asked myself why I let myself not believe In myself and ran to the library. I read all the short notes and In my head, I thought, but nobody mentioned this and nobody mentioned that and I had it but they never seemed to feel blank. So I regained part of my confidence and walked swiftly to class;

“ I hope you know there’s no exam”,

“what? No way..”, I smiled and brushed it off.

I walked towards class because; you know someone might pull your leg. I am a Thomas when it comes to business, serious business, because lawyers are taught, seeing is  believing. So I clarified and before I got to class everyone told me, there is no exam, it has been postponed.

Behold, a paradox. To be happy or not to be happy.

No exam but my whole day was spent in school.

I think of every scenario as applying to my spiritual life, and I thought,. If this was heaven even if I had the slightest idea that there was no heaven, would I prepare for it and be disappointed later or should I prepare for it and be happy when I find it there.

We live in a world that has faded away belief, religion especially Christianity. The story of Adam and Eve inspires me. It inspires me not to put blame on anyone. I put the blame on myself. I have made my beliefs fade away like that wind in Kalahari. Faith in God and in Jesus is just another question we choose  to ignore. Application forms asking about my religion, I do not hesitate to write down so boldly that I am a Christian. The actions however do not speak the same.

For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory. And I am amongst them. I choose to walk in this journey by repainting my faith with a bold colour just like Peter marangi. I choose to live my life as a Christian of faith. This is not a one day thing. It is a journey. We are not perfect, we are not a perfect square and NOBODY has the guide book to life. Only by faith and by the teachings Jesus left us here on this earth can we live according to His words and according to His will. Otherwise, the bible will not tell you what time to wake up tomorrow or what clothes to wear, it just guides you and it is for you to make a choice. It is for you to choose, either to be ready for that exam and not do it, or find the exam on your desk after not studying  because someone somewhere gave you an idea that there is no exam.

My life hasn’t been rosy and dreamy, I’m sure many of ours. But we still live right? I am the kind of girl who planned  her life by age, I knew what I wanted to do at sixteen, what I wanted to do at eighteen, at twenty two, at twenty one but it hasn’t been exactly as planned it out. I will talk about this journey, hoping that I get to someone in my shoes or someone who is not.

Like I say, live, Laugh, love.

Till next write, pray love and seek.

 

Broken 

I read this. I had to share. Please read. Good day.

Mind Conversations

When I was growing up I knew I was going to be successful. I loved school and my grades were in line with my dreams.I imagined having a family, a beautiful house, a nice car, gorgeous kids and taking family vacations, everything looked so real.I just couldn’t wait to grow up.

Last year, as the year was coming to an end, I almost lost my job and things didn’t get better after that, so I decided to quit my job and figure my life out. Everything wasn’t going according to plan. I finished school, got good grades in campus, got a job then another then another and now I was tired of looking. So I decided to start my business. It seemed like a great idea. Now all my childhood fantasies were on the way to becoming a reality. I had a few friends to back me up on the…

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